Confessions of an Ex-Vegan Pt. 1

From the age of 16 to 26 I was some kind of vegan or vegetarian. Yes, that's 10 long years with little or no animal product intake. Good on me, right?! Well, of course, I like to think so. In addition to the apparent health benefits of the veg-life, my carbon foot print must have been vastly smaller than that of meatatarians (although soy, the favorite American meat substitute, has it's own special brand of polluting evil, so now I'm not so sure). My good-karma points also had to be much higher due to not participating in the mass torture and slaughter of our friends, the cows, pigs, chickens and other creatures to be found on Old MacDonald's farm. I especially liked to think that all this was true when I was up to my ears in VEGAN DOGMA. I was always patting myself on the back for being so ethical, not to mention giving those genocidal animal killers also known as carnivores, holier-than-thou glances when they had the nerve to eat meat in MY presence. Now, I always wanted to seem fair and understanding of other's meat-chomping choices, whist maintaining the correctness of my way, so I did bite my tongue quite often. Despite this, I'm convinced that my disapproval was conveyed loud and clear through the betrayal of my body language (i.e. the glances). Now, I humbly eat my words as I eat the very animal flesh I was once repulsed by. When I became a vegetarian at 16 I didn't start off as an animal-rights activist. I just wanted to be healthier. I never really liked big hunks of meat like steak and ewww... pork chops, so it seemed a natural thing to do. It wasn't until an errant boyfriend gave me a copy of John Robbin's, "Diet For a New America" at age 19, that I became and indignant vegan. I was appalled by the treatment that animals the world over endure for our selfish pleasures (and I still am). It seemed only reasonable that knowing what I knew then, I should cast off all consumption of animal products and defend the rights of our voiceless friends. It's at this point that I fulfilled many of the expectations that some of my friends and relatives had for me when I first went veg. I became a crusader, a dogmatician, a closed-minded veganazi. The really sad part was that, I didn't see it. I was too busy attempting to control every thing in my life out of fear (especially what went into my gullet) to realize what a prize asshole I was being. About 8 years after going veg, I started guiltily eating salmon on occasion, but I was still very opinionated about how I and everyone else should eat. Somehow, a little fish here and there didn't count? I know, it's not very logical... and that's the point. It wasn't about logic, it was about fear, about being not being wrong, about guilt. I needed something to tell me that I would be okay, something that would give me a guaranteed ticket to Heaven, or at least to somewhere less painful than here. I needed something that would give me a perfect body, one that didn't have all the health problems I was constantly battling, so that I could know that I wasn't a bad person. All of this internal crap just filtered over to the outside world, mostly because I needed a little validation. Unfortunately, the way I was going about things, I didn't get much of that. About a year and a half ago, after years of suffering from chronic health issues ranging from depression, anxiety, GI tract disturbances, and debilitating fatigue, I was diagnosed with anemia, adrenal fatigue and sensitivities to gluten, egg whites, dairy, and soy. Finally, I was validated. I had already suspected many of the food sensitivities and had mostly eliminated the offending foods. I was fine with all of that, I could live without soy, gluten, etc., etc. What I didn't like was the instance of my advisers to take up flesh foods again. They claimed that I needed large doses of protein to help me overcome the fatigue and anemia and that meat was the best source of said protein. The supplements they wanted to give me were also animal based. Those good 'ol bovine adrenal and pituitary extracts! Yum! I resisted this advice for sometime, opting for vegetarian treatments instead. While the veg alternatives worked on a certain level they were slower working, not very tasty (save the licorice extract), and I was allergic to most of the vegetarian high protein choices I had, so I was definitely in a bind. Finally I caved. I was tired of being tired all of the time! I deliberated for a while, then decided to take the plunge. I can't remember the first bite of meat I had... I think it was chicken or turkey, but it could just as likely have been beef. I was far from excited, I was pretty repulsed in fact, but it did feel good. Well, good enough to keep me on the meat-wagon anyway. So here I am now... ex-vegan... no longer able to be high and mighty and perfectly ethical with a VIP pass to the Bodhisattva Club. When I made the choice to leave my fellow "vegetablearyans" and join the flesh-eaters, I realized I couldn't win. My veg friends would disapprove, my meat-eating relatives would gloat, and I would just have to deal or better yet, stop worrying and start enjoying. That's where I am now. I don't worry nearly so much what I eat, as long as I enjoy it. This attitude is essential to my sanity, especially given the dietary restrictions placed on me by my food sensitivities. This doesn't mean I'm no longer concerned for the rights of my fellow creatures, I certainly am. Because of this, I attempt to choose animal products that are ethically raised and killed and I encourage others to do so as well. I still think it's important to seriously consider the personal and global consequences of what we eat, but now I'm a lot more broadminded in that regard and I'm also a lot happier.