Rooms of My Own

Alone, alone, alone.  I am choosing now, to go it alone.  I'm alone in my romantic life, by choice. Now, I'm striking out on my own in my home life as well.  I was going to find a nice place with a friend of mine, but then I began to realize that I suck at living with other people.  I'm too sensitive to other people's energy, I'm too controlling over my environment, I just don't play nice in co-habitation situations.  If I move in with other people now, I'll most certainly follow my current pattern of moving every 6 months to 1.5 years.  I can't stand the thought of that habit continuing ad infinatum.  Every time I move, everything in my life gets rattled; work, relationships, and most importantly, creative projects.  Since I've seriously dedicated myself to my creative work, I can't risk another interruption like the one I'm currently grappling with. I'm being ruthless, and I have to be.  I have to make good on the priority I've set for myself, and that priority is my art.  For me to pursue my art, I need the appropriate space.  I've realized in the last few years that "appropriate space" doesn't only apply to the amount of space.  It also applies to the energy of the space, and my relationship with it.  I need a home and a creative space that is undeniably mine.  I need to have dominion over the space that I occupy.  I need to feel free and safe to express myself within (and without) it's walls.  I need to KNOW that my presence is wanted and welcome. I need to be nurtured, respected, and supported in the spaces that I occupy.  What I've lacked in the past was a house that felt like a home.  I always felt a transience, a borrowing, a lack of grounding in the places I've lived.  Even in my last place, which was my own apartment, I knew I would only be there for a short while.  It was yet another stop on my search for a hearth that would feed my heart, my body, and my creative fires.  Thankfully, I'm more clear about what I need in order to support my goals this time around.  I hope that I can find a home that serves as a foundation for my more risky flights of fancy.  It's looking a little sparse out there right now, but I keep faith that the perfect new home and hearth will emerge, lit and warm, ready to embrace every little flawed and perfect piece of me.