Death is Awaiting!

Recently, I've pulled the Death card from a number of tarot and oracle decks for readings on various questions. When one pulls a recurring card, it becomes a strong indication that the card's message must be heeded. Contrary to popular belief, the Death card does not usually signify physical death. It does, however, imply an ending and a beginning of something major in one's life. It makes perfect sense that I have been visited by this Grim Reaper lately. I am undergoing a major transformation in my life. The Phoenix has burned and is rising from the ashes. The old is slipping away, the new inching in. Due to changes I've made in my life, my spirit, my psyche, I can no longer live the life I've been living. It must die. Composting, fermenting, incubating, sprouting... this is the phase I am now beginning. More specifically, I have been called to live a creative life, one where my self-expression is the modus operandi to my healing, my happiness, and my freedom. This artist's life is not just about me, it's also about sharing my gifts with the world... allowing those 'Waters of Life' to flow into the heart's of others. I can no longer be stingy with my voice, my music, or my visions. If I didn't let my old life of resistance, avoidance, and fear give way, I would eventually die. This may sound melodramatic, but it's very true. My old life was slowly suffocating me. Now, I choose this death, to choose new life. Now, I embrace the call of my heart, to uplift myself, to uplift all our relations. My creative dreams made real, are my offering to you, in honor of your innate wonderousness.

Aho, Mitakuya Oyasin (All My Relations)

The Self Beyond

In the last three years or so, the Universe (or whatever you like to call the all encompassing Creative Force) has put me to the task of asking myself a few little questions:

"What do I really want?"

"What is my true essence?"

"Who the hell am I, really?"

"Will I show up (as my dad likes to call it) or will I stay asleep in the painful illusion that sleeping is easier than being fully awake?"

Yep, it's fun times in my head and heart these days! These questions are big, and when I began to be confronted with them, I both enthusiastically and reluctantly ventured to explore them. Deep self-exploration is not an easy road, after all, the most meaningful and adventurous ones rarely are, but the rewards are unquantifiable. This morning, I spoke with one of my great friends and teachers, and she said that being fully authentic is much like being a ring-bearer... being like Frodo. There's a weightiness to coming into true power, which is what "seeing the self beyond the veil" or being who YOU are, is all about. There are massive obstacles created by ourselves and our world, that must be overcome. There are temptations to abuse the power of self-realization to further our self-interests, instead of sharing it for the benefit of all. The journey to our highest potentials is often obscured by fears, conscious and unconscious alike. However, we are not alone in this journey, once we commit to it. This is a good thing, a very good thing. Just as in the story of Frodo and the ring, we must accept support. Though we may have to carry the bulk of the burden, we always have a Samwise (even if he's non-corporeal) and at least a handful of others willing to see us through the fire. On my current journey, many wonderful supporters have worked hard to give me the love and encouragement required to press forward. For this, I'm thankful. Unfortunately, I've also had a handful of Boromir's in my life. Those well-meaning loved-one's who are too blinded by their own fears and/or agendas to give me the objective and unconditional support I need (everyone needs). Other's agendas and fears along with my own investment in them, have helped only in feeding my resistances and self-delusions. These relationships have kept me down, instead of giving me the uplift I need. I don't mean to blame others for my shortcomings, but I do wish to acknowledge how certain relationships can seem beneficial, whist carrying the insidious poisons to destroy, or at least to keep one stuck. Despite all the support I speak of here, it is entirely up to me to decide whether I take on the task of living an authentic life, following my passions, sharing my gifts, and showing up. This is the challenge I have accepted. Although, I have answers to some of the questions above, I won't bother to share them here. The answers change and grow, they shift their focus as I journey forward, and they don't necessarily make logical sense. For this reason, I can only accept the feeling of these answers, the essences. My self beyond the veil is the key to all I am. That self is ever-changing, ever the same. The key is trusting in the essence.

My Life As A Diaper Changer

Dirty, stinky, poopy diapers...

It's a reality of my life which occasionally hits me with an amusing if not somewhat grotesque slap in the face. I've changed more diapers than I can count in the 4+ years I've been a nanny. Yes, I get paid to do the dirty deed. And how exactly did I get here? I never dreamt of growing up to deal with the bodily refuse of little people. As much as I fantasized about caring for babies as a little kid... the sheer nastiness of diapering just didn't occur to me. All this said, the rewards of hanging out with children (and getting paid for it) far outweigh the stink. When it comes down to it, dirty, stinky, poopy diapers aren't so bad when I also get to play with play-do, dance, sing stupid kids songs, and build towers with blocks (which get destroyed almost as quickly as they're created). Plus, after caring for my invalid grandmother... little baby poops don't seem so bad. So here I am, Diaper Changer, a hero for the next generation!