Healing Through Creativity

I am looking for a way out of this cycle.
I am searching for a beacon as I lay afloat this rocky ground.
I'm hoping to find a way to hear my story
and to share it with you
and to have you listen
and then I listen to you.

For at least 10 years I have struggled to make sense of my life, I have struggled to feel joy, I have struggled to see my successes.  I have been caught in a cycle of chronic discontent.  Lately, I have been thinking about how to heal myself and my life creatively.   I've also been thinking a lot about how I can make this blog more relevant and useful to others while using it to give me focus and utilize it as a space for me to document my progress in life.  And, so, I have decided to make a task here.  I will begin documenting my progress of healing through creativity.  It is my goal and intention to use creative expression as a way to discover myself.  It is additionally my goal and intention to integrate creative expression into my daily life, not as a career, not as a way to get attention, but as a way to enhance the quality of my life and the lives of others.  I will be seeking ways to bring creativity into the work that I do and into the play that I partake in.  I may do things that most of us consider creative, like dancing, singing, and drawing, but I'll also be doing things like making plant medicines and healthy foods, learning how to identify birds and bugs, and practicing communication skills.  The experiment is to find out how everyday life can be an opportunity to excel at our innate god-like ability to create joy, meaning and authenticity in our lives.  My objective is to unleash my potential by living my dreams one little step at a time.  My thesis: life is better when we are empowered to express ourselves creatively in all aspects of our lives.  Here I begin a new way.  The goal is opening my heart in order to hear my story, so that I can share it with you, so that you can listen and then I listen to you.

Here's to Ends and Beginings!

As I embark upon this creative journey, many things move and shift. More and more, my priorities become clear, my path becomes unveiled. It's funny how sometimes circumstances, which seem random, help to move things along. I spent the last few days working on realizing a project with a long time friend. Right as we were about to go out and do the real dirty work, things got dramatic and the whole thing was dropped, just like that. It was not a happy moment, but in the frustration and anger, the burning of these emotions, the unplugging of rancid investments, I was liberated. I have a big undertaking this weekend. It's a celebration of myself, my Muse and my path of creative service. It's a dedication through my modus vivendi of performance and art, which is my central calling. It's poetry, music, dance, ritual and theater, a small realization of my massive dreams. If I were still caught up in the toxic projects from earlier this week, I would not have been able to invest the time it is now taking me to make this event the meaningful and amazing jumping-off point it is meant to be. Likewise, in another unexpected twist, the circumstances of my life have forced me to downsize my event in a huge way. Rather than this being an unconqureable obstacle, it is pardoxically, an opportunity to realize something far more profound through imposed simplicity. Everything, like the magnificent embrace of intertwined tree trunks, is growing together, beautiful, awesome, seamless. I am truly blessed.

A 21st Century Hieros Gamos

Water is where

It begins

Salty juice

Freshest blood

Wind feeling

Trees and me

I am here

Water deep

My feet damp

Clinging rocks

She trickles

Over me

Fuse with me

She cackles

Lie in me

Drink of me

Blackened, my

Visage peeks

Between cracks

And in lines

Snaking past

Rocks and through

Light, She weaves

Her story

Erasing

Foreknowledge

Forever

Moving on

And I rise 

Out of Her

Beckoning

My own Love

I am Man

And Woman

I am both

And neither

Two and Three

All in One

I am my

Own Lover

Sacred Slut

Of my true

Heart's desire

I am Virgin

I gasp the

Shadow-light

Which plays the

Water's edge

He knows me

Intimately

Because She's 

Also me

We love to

Create the

Vessels of

Our madness

Willingly we

Dance into

Ourselves and 

Out again

Drinking of 

The Water

Singing our

Own love songs

Reveling

and Playing

Ecstatic

Melodies

Splashing, we

Mix into

Her wetness

And hold on

And we breathe...

Slowly, we

Take pause, then

We listen

We are drawn

Into Her

Rippling voice

Her calm chant

Softly, She

Repeats Her

Prose so we

Understand

He and She

Rejoin Me

Two or Three

into One

I am here

Completely

Deep in Her

Breathing in

My vessel

Is full of

Her currents

And I am

Simplest blood

Juicy salt

With Water

It begins

Ten of Swords Revisited

Hindsight is always 20/20.  

Well, yes, I should have known, but again, yet again, I didn't want to KNOW.  

The Ten of Swords, the Knight of Swords, have come and gone.  These cards, among others, signified the deceit, betrayal, lies, intrigue, and the ensuing disappointment I've recently been entangled in.  I was blind to the truth before me.  

One of the skills of great magicians is the ability to see WHAT IS.  It's not easy, because what we fear and what we desire so often combine to create fantastic illusions in the mind.  If we're not able or willing to push through these illusions, we cannot see the TRUTH, even if it's right there, plain as pudding.  We live in a society that favors intellect over intuition, so it's dually hard to respond and act on the intuitive messages and reflexes we receive daily.  The intellect wants control.  It wants to compartmentalize, rationalize, and demystify everything in it's path.  The problem is, when there isn't enough blatantly clear information, the mind too easily fills missing links with flimsy justifications.  Oftentimes, the missing links are more accurately filled with the visceral knowings of intuition.  This is great when one has learned to trust such sensations and can discern between irrational fears and actual knowings.  

I'm learning that I have a long way to go until I am able to trust my intuition.  There is so much I have to learn in order to strike a healthy balance between my intellect and my intuition.  I suppose, I thought I was much further along than I really am.  It is through this experience (about which I am being intentionally vague, to spare myself the humiliation) that I receive a lesson on the beautiful dangers of desire, desperation, need, fantasy, dreams, and romance.  I want to remain a dreamer and a romantic, able to trust in the wonders of the world, but I also need to know how to keep such ideals from running me into the brambles.  

On the other side of these swords (since they always cut both ways), I have found myself in the position to take a different approach.  This is why in my last post, I made a commitment and dedication to my Muse and to my practice as an artist.  I believe, despite lost hopes, I have found a new energy behind these things for which I am so passionate.  My art is something that is real, it's a relationship I've spent a lifetime building, which in recent years was laid to waste in many ways.  It has a solid foundation, but a lot of damage that needs my full attention at the moment.  There's a lot of restoration and redesigning that needs to take place.  Other things that I dream of and desire for my life, don't seem to be manifesting at the moment, and it's important that I open my eyes to WHAT IS, and accept it.  At this point, it's wisest for me to put my faith, trust and energy into something that I can count on.  I can count on the fulfillment that acting on my creative dreams will bring.  Maybe I won't gain the level of success that I dream of, but at least I'll be able to say I did every thing that I could, that I showed up, that I went for it, that I did my best.  Knowing this allows the deep pain in my heart to ease up and gives me enough lift to keep seeing the rainbow behind the clouds.

And I Let Go...

In my exhaustion, the fighting in my heart and mind subsides.  I give all the trying to the Mystery, I surrender it all to... what is it?  Fate or Destiny?  My breath feels clearer as I give in and crumble under the pressure.  The phoenix and the tower, explosion and destruction, sacrifice and incineration, these give way to fertile ground.  Even as I write, I create and destroy.  I choose the words that will live in this composition and those that will die or perhaps never have a chance at being included this time around.  My life is no different.  There are little pieces that fit into the puzzle, while other parts slough off to become pieces of something else.  In this moment I feel helpless as a new born babe.  Have I died and returned a new creature?  I've plunged into the depths of Persephone's domain, down into the dungeons of Hecate, I've sucked the blood fruit of a sizzling death.  This has been my descent.  Now, I take pause.  I stop to retrieve my articles shed, to reattach my very flesh and make my journey back.  I humbly hope and pray for new love, new warmth, and a new hearth, a new home for my heart.  

A Fall of Dreams

Through a window

I watch the day pass

Leaves turn red as blood, golden, brown

Cool air brings a rust upon the world

The sky, blue against it

A dream seeks me out

As I lay, with a head of fog

Joints unmoved, aching

The walls muffle the rustle of leaves

No, I can't even hear them

My dream, he floats 

Much like the leaves on the wind

Then, he falls quickly

And smashes to the ground

There's blood at the corners

I get to keep a piece of it, the wing

Three feathers to be exact

Two plain, one like a peacock's

Only they're the Raven's

Or Maldoc's, as he claims

I cuddle my treasure

Leaves still ride the air

Cracking against the wind

I don't know how to mend it

The wires need to be set again

The dream, he arises

Broken from the fall

Held together like the dying leaves

Wind pushing his wings

Coaxing them to release

I lay here, watching

Autumn embrace upon my world

The sun play upon the colors

And he perches, out there

Watching my little jerks

There's a strange chord

That ties us 

It binds us unknowingly

And we fall together

Our wings help us to fly

Am I My Own Worst Enemy?

What sparks this question is the 8 of Swords.

This card popped up in a reading recently, and sparked a rather strong reaction in me.  Like any metaphoric system, there are multiple interpretations to be had.  However, the most important one's are those with personal significance, the one's that speak to us in a language we are able to receive and understand.  With this in mind, I wish to explore the significance this card holds for me.

So, let's begin with the number.  Eight is a numerological symbol for power.  Some sources have a materialistic take on it, interpreting it as a number of material wealth, business acumen, and positions of authority, while forgetting more esoteric significances.  Eight can also symbolize the joining of the above and the below.  Turned on it's side, the eight is the sign for infinity.  While the materialistic interpretation has a value of it's own, I'm more privy to the arcane interpretations.  The fusion of spirit ("above") and matter ("below") is the work of the magician or alchemist.  Through the process of this "Great Work", one discovers the source of true power (the ability see beyond illusion/delusion, manifest through Will, serve as conduit to the Divine, etc.).  Thus eight, is a symbol for the achievement of true power (which is not power over, but power within).

The suit of swords in the tarot represents the intellect and the air element.  The eight paired with the swords indicates a relationship between power and mind.  It asks us to ponder what purpose intellect serves in the wielding of true power.  It warns us that the mind when given credence over the heart, only serves to bind, blind and banish us from our power (see the woman in the card).  This is not to downplay the importance of the intellect.  On the contrary, it serves a very important role in our ability to discern, critique, explore and understand.  However, for true self discovery and empowerment to occur, the mind must work in service to the heart (otherwise defined as intuition, Holy Spirit, Chante (Lakota), etc.).  It is through the heart that we receive pure guidance (inner knowing) from our essential selves.  The fusion of the above and the below takes place at the heart center.  It is here that intellect and emotion meet to share their respective observations and information so that one can act consciously from the heart.  

Considering the above, we can see that the eight of swords card is a symbol for powerlessness caused by intellectual beliefs.  In other words, the state of powerlessness shown is merely an illusion of the mind, choice still exists, it's simply unacknowledged.  The woman in the card is bound and blindfolded, barren and barred.  However, the way in front of her is clear and she has the freedom of movement in her feet.  A trickle of water lays a path for her.  The water being a symbol for emotion, gives her the encouragement to feel her way out of her predicament.  To be freed, she must loose the shackles of the intellect, allow her emotions to flow and will the two to meet in a moment of self-realization.  She has been party to her own oppression all along.  She has created many of these limitations for herself by buying into dis-empowering messages, external and internal alike.  On the other hand, some of the limitations have likely been imposed upon her from outside sources and are out of her control.  However, the point is not where the limitations originated, but what she perceives as her level of choice in the situation.  The better she can recognize what is, the better she can recognize the what kind of power she has to shift her circumstances.  This is the number eight, this is the magical act of grounding intent through the use of Will.  So, does she choose to give in to the limitations or use her creative spirit to find ways around, through, and beyond them?  Does she choose to activate her latent emotions and give them as much import as her fear-filled, dominating mind?  Is she what stands in her way? 

Alas, I must ask myself these very same things.  When considering these questions in the context of the intellect I must be careful not to negate the hard reality of social inequities that exist outside of my immediate control.  That said, I am challenged to see how, in my beliefs about myself and the world, I disallow myself a better life.  To tell the truth, my life isn't all that bad, especially when compared to many of my fellow relations, but subjectively speaking, I'm not fulfilled.  My dreams seem forever unattainable and I feel powerless for it.  But, perhaps I have fallen victim to my own lack of faith and my unwillingness to call up the creative forces innate in me to solve the riddle of my bindings.  It's difficult to put a mirror to one's mind, to deconstruct those brilliantly laid internal stories, in order to really see what's going on.  I've already asked myself what I want.  I know what I want.  Now, I just have to see what's standing in my way.  I have feeling that, as I lift my blindfold, I'll discover many faces of me staring back.  It's just a matter of convincing them that I know what needs to happen, that I've got it straight from the Source, and that they've got nothing to worry about.  Well, it's easier said than done, isn't it?  Or is that just a good example of how my mind is tricking my heart?

The Self Beyond

In the last three years or so, the Universe (or whatever you like to call the all encompassing Creative Force) has put me to the task of asking myself a few little questions:

"What do I really want?"

"What is my true essence?"

"Who the hell am I, really?"

"Will I show up (as my dad likes to call it) or will I stay asleep in the painful illusion that sleeping is easier than being fully awake?"

Yep, it's fun times in my head and heart these days! These questions are big, and when I began to be confronted with them, I both enthusiastically and reluctantly ventured to explore them. Deep self-exploration is not an easy road, after all, the most meaningful and adventurous ones rarely are, but the rewards are unquantifiable. This morning, I spoke with one of my great friends and teachers, and she said that being fully authentic is much like being a ring-bearer... being like Frodo. There's a weightiness to coming into true power, which is what "seeing the self beyond the veil" or being who YOU are, is all about. There are massive obstacles created by ourselves and our world, that must be overcome. There are temptations to abuse the power of self-realization to further our self-interests, instead of sharing it for the benefit of all. The journey to our highest potentials is often obscured by fears, conscious and unconscious alike. However, we are not alone in this journey, once we commit to it. This is a good thing, a very good thing. Just as in the story of Frodo and the ring, we must accept support. Though we may have to carry the bulk of the burden, we always have a Samwise (even if he's non-corporeal) and at least a handful of others willing to see us through the fire. On my current journey, many wonderful supporters have worked hard to give me the love and encouragement required to press forward. For this, I'm thankful. Unfortunately, I've also had a handful of Boromir's in my life. Those well-meaning loved-one's who are too blinded by their own fears and/or agendas to give me the objective and unconditional support I need (everyone needs). Other's agendas and fears along with my own investment in them, have helped only in feeding my resistances and self-delusions. These relationships have kept me down, instead of giving me the uplift I need. I don't mean to blame others for my shortcomings, but I do wish to acknowledge how certain relationships can seem beneficial, whist carrying the insidious poisons to destroy, or at least to keep one stuck. Despite all the support I speak of here, it is entirely up to me to decide whether I take on the task of living an authentic life, following my passions, sharing my gifts, and showing up. This is the challenge I have accepted. Although, I have answers to some of the questions above, I won't bother to share them here. The answers change and grow, they shift their focus as I journey forward, and they don't necessarily make logical sense. For this reason, I can only accept the feeling of these answers, the essences. My self beyond the veil is the key to all I am. That self is ever-changing, ever the same. The key is trusting in the essence.