Another Listy of Thingsies

So, this will probably be short, cause I'm having trouble breathing. Hummm... maybe it's this new look I'm trying, corsets, ribbons, lace... Okay, that's a lie... well maybe more of a dream than a lie! So just a small update on my doings, if you please!

1. I am now officially 30 years old... and two and a half days... Good riddance 20's, you taught me a lot, but OMG, you were a bitch! Here's to hoping that the 30's are better.

2. I married myself in a very successful performance art piece entitled "With Water, It Begins: A Celebration of Inner Marriage." The event featured choreography by me and my beloved artistic sister, Chelsea Petrakis, the world premiere of my latest composition, A 21st Century Hieros Gamos (the words are posted on this blog under that title), a ritual performance of my inner marriage and the first public unveiling of my alter ego, Screamie Sagebush, who self-married many willing attendants! It was one of the best days of my life, and I owe deep gratitude to my amazing friends and family who helped me bring it all together! This event was also a wopila, or give-away. I gathered fabric and other sewing supplies for my friend Talia's Ina Maka Foundation, a non-profit dedicated to the support of those doing creative work which honors the sacred earth and indigenous traditions. This event was a deep blessing and the beginning of a new chapter in my life!

3. Now that I'm married to myself, I'm baffled by my unquenched want for a lover and partner. I was rather hoping that making this self-dedication would solidify my self-love and Independence. I suppose it has on some level, but not in the way I'd thought. I still yearn to lie under tree shade in the arms of an ardent lover, connecting through currents of dream, creating moments of sigh, spinning in bliss. I wish for someone to breathe, dance, fly down hills on bikes, and sing in front of fires with. I wish for someone who will receive the radiant love spilling forth from my undying heart and someone who can give in kind. All this wanting, waiting and wishing is painful. It's probably just the summer making me so juicy and wanton. When it gets cold again, I'll be content cuddling my cats and sleeping alone... maybe.

4. Now that I'm self-wed, I'm realizing how I fall short in loving myself. My body is a big one. I realize that I accept my body better when I dance on a regular basis, otherwise, all I see is every imperfection, and I start to wonder how anyone could ever love me or find me attractive. Boo to that! I want to love my body, I also want to remember that my body is only one little piece of me. There are multitudes of other parts of me that are amazing and beautiful and lovely. In truth, most of those things are more important than my body anyway. When I seek a lover, I want to be able to connect with them intellectually, creatively and spiritually, in addition to being physically attracted to them. Honestly, the physical comes last, because you can be pretty, but if you don't catch me in the heart, the head and the spirit, you won't keep me long. So, if I have the above standard for myself, why shouldn't I expect that my lover have the same standard? Also, I wonder how I can be that lover to myself. How can I love my essence and give myself unconditional love and compassion in the face of inevitable shifts and changes that I will undergo as I forge ahead on my life-path?

5. My next project is devising and implementing an achievable daily creative practice that will help me to organize the abundant ideas I have for projects and practice.

6. I'm learning that once I make a decision about something, 99.5% of the time it works out. Only about 25% of the time, it works out the way I expected. This proves two things, my will is strong and my expectations are beyond the point.

7. Considering the above, I've decided that I will make a successful living as a multi-disciplined creatrix, all doubters be damned! My first step is implementing my creative practice which will include getting my work out into the world. My second step is demanding that I get paid for my work. I once made a decision that I would go to college and graduate, that I would become a massage therapist, that I would draw a picture, or write a song, or win a solo competition. I didn't sit around hoping that these things would be given to me, I worked my ass off for them. It will happen because I make it happen (I must remember here, that this is only true when I am in my integrity). Just don't ask me how. Hummmm.... maybe I should take this approach in the realm of love too.....

8. I see a theme here: love, will and control. The funny thing is, to be in control, I have to know when to surrender... May I remember that.