Another Listy of Thingsies

So, this will probably be short, cause I'm having trouble breathing. Hummm... maybe it's this new look I'm trying, corsets, ribbons, lace... Okay, that's a lie... well maybe more of a dream than a lie! So just a small update on my doings, if you please!

1. I am now officially 30 years old... and two and a half days... Good riddance 20's, you taught me a lot, but OMG, you were a bitch! Here's to hoping that the 30's are better.

2. I married myself in a very successful performance art piece entitled "With Water, It Begins: A Celebration of Inner Marriage." The event featured choreography by me and my beloved artistic sister, Chelsea Petrakis, the world premiere of my latest composition, A 21st Century Hieros Gamos (the words are posted on this blog under that title), a ritual performance of my inner marriage and the first public unveiling of my alter ego, Screamie Sagebush, who self-married many willing attendants! It was one of the best days of my life, and I owe deep gratitude to my amazing friends and family who helped me bring it all together! This event was also a wopila, or give-away. I gathered fabric and other sewing supplies for my friend Talia's Ina Maka Foundation, a non-profit dedicated to the support of those doing creative work which honors the sacred earth and indigenous traditions. This event was a deep blessing and the beginning of a new chapter in my life!

3. Now that I'm married to myself, I'm baffled by my unquenched want for a lover and partner. I was rather hoping that making this self-dedication would solidify my self-love and Independence. I suppose it has on some level, but not in the way I'd thought. I still yearn to lie under tree shade in the arms of an ardent lover, connecting through currents of dream, creating moments of sigh, spinning in bliss. I wish for someone to breathe, dance, fly down hills on bikes, and sing in front of fires with. I wish for someone who will receive the radiant love spilling forth from my undying heart and someone who can give in kind. All this wanting, waiting and wishing is painful. It's probably just the summer making me so juicy and wanton. When it gets cold again, I'll be content cuddling my cats and sleeping alone... maybe.

4. Now that I'm self-wed, I'm realizing how I fall short in loving myself. My body is a big one. I realize that I accept my body better when I dance on a regular basis, otherwise, all I see is every imperfection, and I start to wonder how anyone could ever love me or find me attractive. Boo to that! I want to love my body, I also want to remember that my body is only one little piece of me. There are multitudes of other parts of me that are amazing and beautiful and lovely. In truth, most of those things are more important than my body anyway. When I seek a lover, I want to be able to connect with them intellectually, creatively and spiritually, in addition to being physically attracted to them. Honestly, the physical comes last, because you can be pretty, but if you don't catch me in the heart, the head and the spirit, you won't keep me long. So, if I have the above standard for myself, why shouldn't I expect that my lover have the same standard? Also, I wonder how I can be that lover to myself. How can I love my essence and give myself unconditional love and compassion in the face of inevitable shifts and changes that I will undergo as I forge ahead on my life-path?

5. My next project is devising and implementing an achievable daily creative practice that will help me to organize the abundant ideas I have for projects and practice.

6. I'm learning that once I make a decision about something, 99.5% of the time it works out. Only about 25% of the time, it works out the way I expected. This proves two things, my will is strong and my expectations are beyond the point.

7. Considering the above, I've decided that I will make a successful living as a multi-disciplined creatrix, all doubters be damned! My first step is implementing my creative practice which will include getting my work out into the world. My second step is demanding that I get paid for my work. I once made a decision that I would go to college and graduate, that I would become a massage therapist, that I would draw a picture, or write a song, or win a solo competition. I didn't sit around hoping that these things would be given to me, I worked my ass off for them. It will happen because I make it happen (I must remember here, that this is only true when I am in my integrity). Just don't ask me how. Hummmm.... maybe I should take this approach in the realm of love too.....

8. I see a theme here: love, will and control. The funny thing is, to be in control, I have to know when to surrender... May I remember that.

UGH!

THANK THE GREAT BIG GODDESSY-THING IN THE SKY THAT I ONLY HAVE A FEW MORE DAYS LEFT AT MY J-O-B! SINCE WHEN DID I BECOME A GEISHA?
(Okay, so I'm not a Geisha... but there have been times where I felt like one at this gig. Thankfully, I have one day left, and the last few have been relatively uneventful compared to the rest. Sigh of relief!)

Here's to Ends and Beginings!

As I embark upon this creative journey, many things move and shift. More and more, my priorities become clear, my path becomes unveiled. It's funny how sometimes circumstances, which seem random, help to move things along. I spent the last few days working on realizing a project with a long time friend. Right as we were about to go out and do the real dirty work, things got dramatic and the whole thing was dropped, just like that. It was not a happy moment, but in the frustration and anger, the burning of these emotions, the unplugging of rancid investments, I was liberated. I have a big undertaking this weekend. It's a celebration of myself, my Muse and my path of creative service. It's a dedication through my modus vivendi of performance and art, which is my central calling. It's poetry, music, dance, ritual and theater, a small realization of my massive dreams. If I were still caught up in the toxic projects from earlier this week, I would not have been able to invest the time it is now taking me to make this event the meaningful and amazing jumping-off point it is meant to be. Likewise, in another unexpected twist, the circumstances of my life have forced me to downsize my event in a huge way. Rather than this being an unconqureable obstacle, it is pardoxically, an opportunity to realize something far more profound through imposed simplicity. Everything, like the magnificent embrace of intertwined tree trunks, is growing together, beautiful, awesome, seamless. I am truly blessed.

Oh, Please!

“You’d better be careful, cause if you’re art becomes your job, it may feel like work.”

Hello, it’s already work. Lots and lots and lots of painful, annoying, stupid, tedious work. That’s one reason why I haven’t gotten very far with it. Not because I’m unwilling to do the work, but because for many years I bought into the concept that the work of an artist is supposed to be all fun and games, unless you’re a sell-out or something. Oh no, if art is your life and your work, it comes with all the ups and downs of any other job. Until recently, I couldn’t understand this. I was so confused, because my art practice feels so much like work so often, I figured I was doing something wrong. I wasn’t. The only mistake I’ve made thus far is not embracing the hard work of creation enough. Speaking of work, I have gown to create.

Talking and Telling it Like it Is.

I have been in a very interesting place during the last few weeks. I’m not even sure I can muster a comprehensive soliloquy on these maneuvers of life. Perhaps, a small list:

1. I have found that I am open to multitudinous possibilities in the realm of love. However, what I most desire are bold cuddles, pheromone combustion, and coquettish glances. {Erotic} love is a drug.

2. Nurturing others is easy when you stop caring about doing and start being.

3. Chaos is ecstatic sometimes... when it’s {Erotic} love or something... but not when it’s your job.

4. Almost everything I do on a daily basis is farcical. Please tell me why I’ve been spending my days rubbing people down with oil and please tell me why I’m so concerned with details that could just as well be ignored!

5. Leaving art, garden greens, grapes and wine at the door long time friends who suddenly explode in romantic overtones, late at night, is both a highly questionable extravagance and something I should do more often.

6. Leaving notes on the bikes of ardent grocery store cashier’s is rather juvenile, to say the least! You have to admit, however, that it’s a heart-wrenchingly sweet gesture! Unfortunately, waiting for an answer to the overture is rather a bitch!

7. I am so full of love and romance that I’m bursting like a White Dwarf. I’m completely unafraid to share it. Unfortunately, I’m still awaiting a gracious recipient. One may show potential, but if they be pussyfooting about, I’m off to the next conquest... for the moment... I say walk through the door, or close it. I’m tired of standing on the threshold.

8. Staying up till almost 4am, with an awesome new friend, watching Grease, drinking mead and eating popcorn is totally awesome! “There are worse things I could do”.

9. The Thesaurus is my favorite dinosaur. I may like the Dictionary even better.

10. Riding bike, working a physical job and eating minimally is an amazing diet! Just don’t over do it, or your knee will feel like mine.

11. OMG! I’m getting married to myself this weekend! (and turning 30 in less than two weeks............. hummmm).

12. I am covered in bruises, most of which are resultant of self-massage that would make a masochist flinch. Iron, anyone? Beef, it’s what’s for dinner.

13. I wonder, if there’s even the slightest possibility that I can make a living at my new J-O-B. I wonder even more, why the hell I’m still doing work that isn’t in the creative realm.

14. I ride over the Broadway Bridge almost daily and every time I am over the river I think of falling in. Is it some sort of “analogy gift” from my subconscious?

15. I have determined that if I’m not actively putting out creatively, I start to loose my grip on reality, want to die, scream and generally act like a maniac. Apparently, creative expression is my modus vivendi. I cannot function without it.

End transmission.

Mitakuye Oyasin

I’ve heard it called an illusion
this divide between you and I

The further I go into it, the more I understand
that you are a kirlian photograph of me

My legs are a soft impression of yours
Your dreams are fragments in the brushing of my teeth

We’ve already traded one million molecules by now

My laughter is your sigh tomorrow
Your heartbreak is the breath I take

The salve for our conjoined amnesia
is the rainbow glow of our own little centers

Remember this,
We are all related

The Breath Isn't Just Deep, It's Also Wide

The Edward Gorey Garden Party at the Historic Overlook House:

In a swirl of black and lace, I made my solo singing debut after almost 7 years of virtually no vocal performances. With the generous aid of my trusty new accompanist friend, Adam, I rediscovered the power in my breath and belly, to soar through the notes of pain and passion in 8 beautiful songs. These songs are people to me, people who I know intimately, like the best of friends and lovers. It was wonderful to meet with them again. Like a wobbly revisit on a long forgotten bicycle, things my body once knew in every bit of flesh and bone came inching back into my consciousness as I reconnected with these song people. The most profound of these old knowings was the sensation of breath which supports truth and tone. This breath isn't just deep, it's also wide. To get the right support to release a high B or C or F, a singer must allow the breath to open and fill every little crevice of their core and let it become the fuel for inspired vibrations to emerge. It's the the play of breath and flesh and space that make the instrument what it is. Free, flowing, and alive, or pinched, frightened, and controlling. This breath is the ultimate Wu Wei, the art of non-doing, or doing effortlessly. In the the not trying, the magic emerges. It's about trust. When we trust, everything flows.