Adventures

First of all, Deep Blessings on this beautiful Mabon day! The Autumnal Equinox is certainly one of my favorite turns of the seasonal wheel. Autumn is like a big long dusky twilight and I love it! I hope your journey into the colder and darker phase of the year is a good one!

Secondly, I never would have thought a visit to my dad's would bring so much intrigue into my life! Here are some of the wonderful things I've managed to do during my visit up here. (BTW, here is Ferndale, WA, which is near Bellingham).

1. The first significant moment in my journey was meeting M on the train. We had seating assignments and he was put right next to me. Much to our mutual pleasure, we hit it off right away and have since ventured into quite the passionate romance. We live in different cities (which aren't too far away, really), so that's certainly a challenge. Anyway, it's too early to say what's to become of our little love affair, but I'd like to see it go somewhere good. Here's my take on things such as this (excerpt from earlier today):

"I like the idea of jumping, head on into love and letting it sort itself out. I'm not afraid of love and I'm not afraid of getting hurt. How can I hurt when I allow myself to fully experience the true fervor of my heart? How can I hurt when I walk straight into the fires of passion with no expectations for what lies on the other side? And if it ends in tears? Those tears only feed another part of myself. Like a good pruning, it helps me grow."

2. I realized yesterday, that I'm addicted to love. Yes, love is a drug and there is no cure. Here's the thing, there are a lot of people who've been burned by love and they burned because they forgot what love really is. But me? I say there's no better thing. I want to love people with as much wild abandon as I can muster. The trick is to leave your expectations at the door. What fun it can be to ride that tidal wave of emotions and come crashing back down to Earth. The more you do it, the more you learn to land on your feet. No, I'm not going to try and resist my penchant for roller coaster love, I'm going to embrace it and learn all it's little quirks. I'm going to become to best sort of love junkie, the kind who gives and receives openly, freely, and selflessly.

3. Speaking of love... I have been blessed with ample opportunities to reinforce my love-affair with Nature on this trip. Now, there's a lover who never holds back! When I open myself to the exchange, when I simply experience her force, her fragility, her fierceness, I lose myself to the infinite multiverse. I feel the deepest peace in her embrace. In this short week, I felt the flow of her waters, the hardness of her mountains, the coolness of her breath... I glimpsed her creatures, large and small, listened to her sighs and moans, laid naked against her breast. I love her, my Mother. I love her more than anything else, she is my salvation, my solitude, my inspiration. She is, what is. Yod Heh Vav Heh.

4. Speaking of nature... I've had the pleasure of gathering some of Mama's bountiful harvest during my visit. I picked juicy asian pears, gathered hawthorn berries, crafted plentiful horsetail and partook of fresh tomatoes. My dad and I did some dehydrating experimentation with cantaloupe and the pears. The pears were excellent, the cantaloupe, fairly good. I love picking fresh ripe foods and medicines from the garden and the wild. It's meditative, connecting, grounding, and essentially meaningful.

5. Different Folks: I got to sing karaoke and dance with a bunch of amazing folks who have various mental and physical challenges this week. My dad volunteers for the Max Higbee Center (http://www.maxhigbee.org/), an organization that puts on community-based recreation programs for developmentally disabled people. I can't even express how much fun I had! They were some of the most uninhibited and authentic people I've ever met. They're witty, sweet, and enthusiastic. I couldn't wipe the giant grin off of my face as I danced with Levin, Judy, Darrin, and Paul, amongst others. It's so refreshing to be around people who aren't so locked into the sort of daily grind that us "normal" folks get up to. I'm deeply grateful for having had this opportunity to share time with such beautiful new friends!

6. I worked on a small promo video for the Screamie Sagebush Burlesque Revival with my dad. It's not done yet, but it's pretty great, considering, I didn't put a whole lot of planning into it. Anyway, I plan on producing a variety show featuring my alter ego, Screamie. The intent of the show is multifaceted, however, I'd say the core intention is to encourage self-love and personal authenticity, through humor, beauty, celebration, ceremony, and social-commentary. I'm making the video in order to promote the idea to venues who might be willing to host the show. I'll probably put it on YouTube when it's done and link it on here.... so keep your eyes open!

Lazybones

lazybones
you lie about entwined by your dreams
and always
‘you will,
you want,
you may’

Your mind is an unsolvable maze
a thought,
a light,
an insight, leads to another
on and on and on and on
they remain firmly planted in the firmament

lazybones
you lie about entwined by your dreams
and always
‘you will,
you want,
you may’

once you were called a space cadet
with gun-boats for feet
were the feet too heavy to move
with dreams too high to reach?

lazybones
you lie about entwined by your dreams
and always
‘you will,
you want,
you may’

why can’t you move those bones of yours?
why can’t you leave your technicolor mind... behind?

It’s always ideas and aether
one large foot inside the outside
the other just peeking out

why can’t you move those bones of yours?
why can’t you leave your technicolor mind... behind?

lazybones
you lie about entwined by your dreams
and always
‘you will,
you want,
you may’

Rambly Journal Entry #1

August 28, 2009

Powell's Books. Downtown. Portland, Oregon.

I'm here to be in the presence of the books. Dead tree tombs/tomes full of... wow! All these thoughts from human minds, so many words, vastly more than even the people in this city, this state, country, ~ world? I like books. They comfort me, they give me the feeling that if I just try hard enough, I'll eventually find the answers I'm searching for. Some books are pretty, some contain wisdom, probably most are different versions of the same thing repeated over and over again by someone finding it all for the fist time (and thinking they've stumbled upon something special, indeed!). In other words, most of it is crap because we live in a world that requires us to make a bunch of crappy stuff in order to keep feeding the grown-up game machine, also called "the economy". Luckily, buried beneath all the shit is some real gold, which is what I seek. Unfortunately, even the gold can't tell me what to do with my life. Only I can make that call... only.... I can't. Sometimes, I wish life would happen to me in a way that makes it all a lot more simple. I'm mired in the illusion that I have too many choices and no choices at all. I continually teeter-totter, hesitating to jump off the damn thing and try the swing or slide instead. I could do this, or I could do that, my mind will venture, but if I do this, I'll miss that and if I do that, I'll probably just fall on my ass. This is an interesting notion, cause, I'm most likely already on my ass - which is what I need to get off of, as opposed to doubling up on. So that's it. I'm in this huge bookstore, seeking that Holy Grail, the meaning of MY life and the elusive road map and necessary tools needed to fulfill the purpose that goes along with the meaning. The sad irony is that, while I may find some inspiration, I know full-well there's no such guiding light to be found among these books... not really. In my experience, the only place that light can be found is in the dark. By dark I mean, the nothingness that is everything, the only pure thing in existence, which is not a thing at all. It lies within that which is many named, yet cannot be named. It is within me and beyond, all around, everywhere. I am that thing and I am separate from it. Only in this present moment, can I know my path. Right now, my path is dark. So be it.

Silence

Sometimes, it's in the silence that answers lie.
I am visiting that place now, listening to the nothing, attempting in my novice way to detach from expectations.
Maybe I'll only hear the void, which is not hearing at all.
It's un-hearing, the absence of hearing, but not deaf.
Maybe I'll get the insight I seek.
There are answers in both stories.

And the Pendulum Swings!

Here I sit in someone else's dream, drinking in the tea. I'm in someone else's desperation, borrowing their love for just a little while. My motivation is small, as though I want it all to fall apart in order to regain my sense of self. I've almost stopped worrying about "getting by". It's not that I don't want to do the work, it's that I don't want to do that work. I stubbornly resist it, even though it's the easy way. I'm bored with the easy way, only I'm lost to any other way to go. I've been instructed to stop trying so hard. Yet, how far do I let the pendulum swing?

Song For the Grocery Boy

Your name is a wig, is a coat, is a person in the celler
I looked it up, since you’ve locked your book and I have no key
It’s the closest I could get beyond the currency and the candy
The suit of hearts blew away and I saw it with my own eyes

I’m still wanting you, misleading meanderer
But it seems coyote has pulled his wool again

Even the King of Owls wonders what you’re thinking
Though he’s thankful that you gave him shelter from the rain
He feels everything you do, except for the fear
The suit of hearts blew away and I saw it with my own eyes

You clumsily bruise yourself with that arrogant shyness
It’s only tea or wine, only some numbers, not a lifetime
Sadly, those nectarines aren’t as juicy as they looked
The suit of hearts blew away and I saw it with my own eyes

Another Listy of Thingsies

So, this will probably be short, cause I'm having trouble breathing. Hummm... maybe it's this new look I'm trying, corsets, ribbons, lace... Okay, that's a lie... well maybe more of a dream than a lie! So just a small update on my doings, if you please!

1. I am now officially 30 years old... and two and a half days... Good riddance 20's, you taught me a lot, but OMG, you were a bitch! Here's to hoping that the 30's are better.

2. I married myself in a very successful performance art piece entitled "With Water, It Begins: A Celebration of Inner Marriage." The event featured choreography by me and my beloved artistic sister, Chelsea Petrakis, the world premiere of my latest composition, A 21st Century Hieros Gamos (the words are posted on this blog under that title), a ritual performance of my inner marriage and the first public unveiling of my alter ego, Screamie Sagebush, who self-married many willing attendants! It was one of the best days of my life, and I owe deep gratitude to my amazing friends and family who helped me bring it all together! This event was also a wopila, or give-away. I gathered fabric and other sewing supplies for my friend Talia's Ina Maka Foundation, a non-profit dedicated to the support of those doing creative work which honors the sacred earth and indigenous traditions. This event was a deep blessing and the beginning of a new chapter in my life!

3. Now that I'm married to myself, I'm baffled by my unquenched want for a lover and partner. I was rather hoping that making this self-dedication would solidify my self-love and Independence. I suppose it has on some level, but not in the way I'd thought. I still yearn to lie under tree shade in the arms of an ardent lover, connecting through currents of dream, creating moments of sigh, spinning in bliss. I wish for someone to breathe, dance, fly down hills on bikes, and sing in front of fires with. I wish for someone who will receive the radiant love spilling forth from my undying heart and someone who can give in kind. All this wanting, waiting and wishing is painful. It's probably just the summer making me so juicy and wanton. When it gets cold again, I'll be content cuddling my cats and sleeping alone... maybe.

4. Now that I'm self-wed, I'm realizing how I fall short in loving myself. My body is a big one. I realize that I accept my body better when I dance on a regular basis, otherwise, all I see is every imperfection, and I start to wonder how anyone could ever love me or find me attractive. Boo to that! I want to love my body, I also want to remember that my body is only one little piece of me. There are multitudes of other parts of me that are amazing and beautiful and lovely. In truth, most of those things are more important than my body anyway. When I seek a lover, I want to be able to connect with them intellectually, creatively and spiritually, in addition to being physically attracted to them. Honestly, the physical comes last, because you can be pretty, but if you don't catch me in the heart, the head and the spirit, you won't keep me long. So, if I have the above standard for myself, why shouldn't I expect that my lover have the same standard? Also, I wonder how I can be that lover to myself. How can I love my essence and give myself unconditional love and compassion in the face of inevitable shifts and changes that I will undergo as I forge ahead on my life-path?

5. My next project is devising and implementing an achievable daily creative practice that will help me to organize the abundant ideas I have for projects and practice.

6. I'm learning that once I make a decision about something, 99.5% of the time it works out. Only about 25% of the time, it works out the way I expected. This proves two things, my will is strong and my expectations are beyond the point.

7. Considering the above, I've decided that I will make a successful living as a multi-disciplined creatrix, all doubters be damned! My first step is implementing my creative practice which will include getting my work out into the world. My second step is demanding that I get paid for my work. I once made a decision that I would go to college and graduate, that I would become a massage therapist, that I would draw a picture, or write a song, or win a solo competition. I didn't sit around hoping that these things would be given to me, I worked my ass off for them. It will happen because I make it happen (I must remember here, that this is only true when I am in my integrity). Just don't ask me how. Hummmm.... maybe I should take this approach in the realm of love too.....

8. I see a theme here: love, will and control. The funny thing is, to be in control, I have to know when to surrender... May I remember that.