Okay, so I've really been working the creative flow. It's going really well, even if I still haven't established a regular discipline. It's a dynamic process, which I'm okay with. Anyway, for quite awhile I was feeling like my red (1st) and orange (2nd) energy centers were pretty closed off. These centers are very much about sexuality, survival and creativity. I was feeling a bit dead in this area and was aware that to get my creative flow moving in an optimal way, I would need to give them a little push in the right direction. Focusing on getting my basic needs met through work and trusting that I'll have what I need has helped in the red center and revisiting the movements of the belly dance (mostly working the pelvic and perineal areas), and movement in general seems to have unstuck the orange center. I consider this all good, but what has caught me by surprise is a seemingly sudden reawakening of sexual interest. I was mostly shutdown in that way, which was a conscious choice on my part. I didn't want to be bothered with sex, lovers, longing, lust, desire.... All too messy and distracting for an aspiring Bard. It seems however, that the Gods have different plans for me. They want me to be alive in all ways human, despite what I think I should have. I may desire an asexual and rather hermetic existence, but They desire a Nova full of the juicy life-giving potential, sensual, attractive, and twitterpated. I suppose this is good for my creativity. It gives me a drive and energy for expression that may not exist otherwise. I'm not totally opposed to it, just a bit curious, watching, wondering and observing my thoughts and visceral impulses. I'm in a place right now, where I need to understand the whys and hows of my sensual side so that I no longer unconsciously react to it. I have made a dedication to being with myself at the moment. I am even planning an inner marriage ceremony for my 30th birthday. Now that I'm not in the game, however, the game seems to be coming to me. Despite a variety of intense happenings this week, my mind is fixated on a certain crush which has emerged out of my Svadhisthana reawakening. I'm bemused by this and I'm seriously considering how to proceed. I'm pretty sure there's some sort of mutual interest and curiosity, but I'm not particularly concerned if I'm wrong about this. I'm attempting to maintain a firm level of detachment here. My goal is to remain firmly rooted to the Earth and to not let my wild imagination to run away with me, as I've often done in the past to my deep humiliation and detriment. I wonder if I'm simply being challenged to learn how to focus this energy into my creative projects, or if I should actually explore this potential partner. I suppose, as long as I don't over-invest myself in any expectations, I could ease my way into an exploratory friendship. It certainly couldn't hurt so long as I remain tightly reigned to my roots of rationality. Part of my artistic quest is to deepen my self-knowledge and raise my consciousness, but it's also about relating and sharing my experience with others. I wonder how I could experience and explore this consuming crush as an act of creation?
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